Now I’ve got my pickled walnuts for Xmas I can get on with the rest of my Xmas shopping. It’s important to put your gas mask on first, then you can help others put on theirs.
This Tesco delivery man is very happy that we might have snow, his little boys love the snow. How wonderfully different we all are, here I am, enjoying the talk about snow when I hate it. I don’t like Xmas either, apart from observing others enjoy it.
When I was a child, we had our presents at 3pm when Dad put our tree lights on. I’ve always been good at saving up things, delayed gratification, one of my specialities. Those pickled walnuts are likely to remain unopened until boxing day. Unless my husband finds them when I’m out one day, then I might have to buy some more, and Tesco might have run out.
When I was a child we had a walnut tree in the garden and mum would pickle the green ones. There were jars of 1996 pickled walnuts in the back bedroom of my parents house when we cleared it, 20 years on and they still tasted good.
(That green thing at the bottom of the photo is one of the kitchen chairs, not a very large courgette)
I am sensing a slight depression, Tesco delivery men don’t seem their usual selves. I study Tesco prices with interest, most of the basic items I regularly buy have in the last few weeks risen as high as sometimes 10%. Civil unrest is not far away.
I am going far away to Banbury Therapy Centre next Saturday to perform my new show “Sex, Politics and Men with grey/white beards”. I was there last in December 2012, performing with Ruby Wax who has done extremely well in promoting mental health. In the green room under the make up lights, I couldn’t take my eyes off her amazing smooth skin for a woman similar to my age. Face lifts/Botox etc are extraordinary. I met with another woman recently who said that HRT keeps her skin looking so young. I do think about it but am grateful to have my husband who finds me attractive and I favour to look after myself from the inside out, keeping the internal organs working whilst keeping MS at bay. Medication and surgery can come at a different price.
If you are ever unhappy about how you look, check out this amazing Canadian man who I am proud to know and have worked with:
#David Roche: Inspirational Humorist http://www.davidroche.com
Without taking care of my face with surgery it would be way too late to get on TV, but I don’t mind, because I have been on TV. When the BBC news came to Peckham Library mother and baby group in 2000, talking about the compensation that had been offered to Damilola’s parents, I was interviewed and got on the news with the soundbite. While breastfeeding I said “It’s not just about money, it’s about life”. I am content with my historical TV presence, it is an important message.
(There is also the subliminal with film and TV e.g. when the film “Let him have it” came out about Derek Bentley there were posters all over the underground. Lots of my ex boyfriends got back in contact with me around this time. It’s nice to be remembered. Oops, this reminds me, I should be using my time editing my book ..)
It’s been over a week now and the last two Tesco delivery men wouldn’t have their photo taken with or without me. I am wondering whether they have been told by their manager not to engage with me, has word got out? Only time will tell, but in the mean time, I’ve been talking with other delivery men about their terms and conditions and am wondering if this is why Tesco don’t want me to get too friendly with their men? All this could be my fantasy as I may find that this is just co incidence, however, if it happens again I shall email the CEO of Tesco to find out.
Other delivery men are proving equally as friendly and endeavour to get things delivered as best they can. I can’t walk round shops so sadly Amazon (e.g.) provides a good service, especially when I need tights.
As I am in a lot, I regularly take parcels for neighbours too, I am always happy to listen to anyone that comes to the door. When I was 21, I was told I was a good listener and became a Samaritan volunteer, the youngest in New Cross at the time, often more suicidal than the callers. All delivery men need an ear sometimes, they have a tough job, and road rage is ever-increasing, I hear the tooting and tooting all day.
If I knew how to airbrush and do things with this photo I would colour in my top, do my hair and put make-up on. I thought the man on the left looked like my husband but he said it looked nothing like him and wondered whether I really knew what he looked like. I’m not a visionary person. I’d been seeing my therapist for nearly 6 years and someone asked me what she looked like, whether she wore glasses. I really couldn’t tell them anything apart from the fact she was always there and was kind.
Yesterday I went to Bromley shopping centre. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to go to the Apple shop to sort out why no one can hear me properly through my iPhone 5s, when I can hear them perfectly.
This was the first time I’ve been to Bromley on my own and I’d sussed out it’s accessibility with my husband earlier in the year. In fact I was feeling so confident that he’d suggested I go to Karen Millen and see if there was anything I would like for my Xmas present, he said her stuff was good quality, expensive, but there might be a sale on. He knows about these things and I want to look nice for us.
When I came home, despite the phone working fine in the shop, it failed to work again. I figure that this a sign. My voice not ready to be listened to just yet.
“Did you buy anything for yourself?” my husband asked.
“No babe, I asked lots of people where it was but they just looked at me like they’d read one of my books. Are you sure there’s a Helen Mirren in Bromley?”
To be continued tomorrow ……….
It’s Saturday, 4th November, am thinking rain, fireworks and sparklers yet pondering over the washing powder that these two chirpy young delivery men have bought me. (As you can see from the clock I haven’t put it back from last Sunday because it keeps us all on top of things and Tesco Delivery are even less likely to be late.)
There has been a lot in the press this week about washing machines catching on fire. I was aware of this a long time ago when I wrote one of my first poems published in my first anthology “Tales in the Deep End”, even Amazon have a 2nd hand copy of this unique book which includes tales of assault by a charity London marathon runner dressed as a St Trinian’s girl with false bosoms, wig and hockey stick to yogic internal cleansing poetry and illustration.
Separation and Anxiety
My washing machine caught on fire
I will never leave it on its own again
People laughed when I performed this wearing a swimming hat, but as usual, this poem had come from my personal distress and PTSD and OCD around washing machines. I used to pay the babysitter an extra 50p an hour to keep an eye on it.
Half term and the time to be domestic. I have made a casserole for the family and a friend. I have made casseroles before but never been brave enough to put dumplings on. Today Tesco delivery man brought me Auntie Bessie frozen dumplings, full of shite I’m sure, but if they work, I may have the confidence and feel it worthwhile to make my own at a date in the future.
I have never been confident in the kitchen and this is picked up apon as I leave myself vulnerable for cooking attack, i.e. as serving up saying things like “It’s not very good”, “I don’t think it’s supposed to be like this” etc. Of course this instantly puts doubt into my consumers who are likely to respond with comments such as “Hmm, it’s okay” or “Pass the ketchup”.
I don’t eat meat, non of us eat meat much, this was supposed to be the family half term treat but unfortunately Tesco didn’t have organic beef and they sent me the Boswell Farm shite, half the price but not good. I’m hoping my meat eaters won’t know as the meat will be disguised with all sorts of other lovely ingredients and dumplings bobbing up and down as I serve. Assuming that’s what dumplings do when one serves them, I will see.
If it all goes horribly wrong all is not lost, we can boil up the Naked Noodles.
I am happy it is half term. Below is a poem I was writing while waiting for my last delivery man. I performed it at the #Klinker club last week, and read it out during a wellbeing discussion I facilitated at Lesoco college. It is as an example of how concern leads to abrupt response leads to anxiety leads to frustration leads to concerned response on all levels, leads to a lot of time being spent on issues that aren’t issues, demonstrating that we are just all ants milling about, doing our stuff until the next wave of ants take over.
10.43am Daisy has been late – Please respond with the reason
Firstly, I’m glad to hear she got to school, New Cross road is a big scary road, it amazes me that she gets there at all, dodging buses and crossing the Queens road all by herself, she’s so little. I find it scary just driving down it.
Re the reason why she is late, she left on time so there is the possibility that the bus was late or didn’t arrive or was full so she had to wait for another. There is also a possibility that she dropped her very heavy bag that she carries, or that something fell out, she was carrying so much, PE kit, water, large pencil case, books etc. It’s a real shame there is no room in schools for lockers, these children are going to have terrible problems as their little spines grow.
I have just realised, sometimes Daisy gets chatting to the homeless man sat by the bus stop, he could have distracted her and she missed the bus, or maybe she was chatting with a friend and got carried away. Maybe she was actually on the bus and got chatting and carried away and missed her stop, this is only her second week of secondary school, all very new.
I was also wondering if there had been an accident on New Cross Road. I hear ambulance and police sirens regularly and never sure where they end up, there is the possibility that the bus was involved in an accident or behind an accident and had to sit in traffic while other traffic diverted to the bus lane. Then there’s the driver, he or she may have had a psychotic episode, stopped the bus, got off and went to Sainsbury’s or TK Maxx. The bus could have broken down and passengers had to get off and get on the next one.
Sometimes there are people who stop the traffic because they have mental health issues and aren’t now being looked after. In the 1980’s when I was living in Bermondsey one of my neighbours spent all day walking over the same zebra crossing, over and over and over again. Sometimes that caused congestion. He’d been given away by his mother and lived in Barnado’s from the age of 2 and never really settled.
I’m struggling to think of any other reason, but if I do I will email straight back. I really hope this helps and if you get to see Daisy at school today, do please ask her whether I am on the right track with the real reason.
p.s. I was just looking at google travel info and there was a diversion earlier today on Lewisham Way, I’m not sure it would have had a great impact, it would depend on how many minutes she was actually late and where on Lewisham Way. If you would get back to me re the exact timings then I can work out whether this is the reason. I apologize, I should have looked at this first but my phone was on charge and I was eager to respond to you and I only have two sources of internet.
Since I’ve been writing this I have received another email from you re Daisy getting one behaviour point that I now need to discuss with her. The email was unsigned so I really don’t know who to respond to, however, please would you let me know the parameters of a behaviour point and if you are concerned about Daisy’s behaviour then I would appreciate a formal letter and a meeting.
At the weekend I stayed at my uncle Peter’s. Uncle Peter has been disabled since 1946 when he contracted Polio. On arrival I was pleased to find he had a new stair lift installed and sink moved in toilet to make mobility in and out of wheel chair easier. We chatted about delivery men and how he uses Sainsbury and how good they are in Southampton. We chatted about Brexit and education and he helped me respond to a ridiculous school email.
My uncle Peter suggested there should be a national competition for the prime minister who has been the most dangerous for our country in the last 40 years. He suggested the prize should be an inverted statue erected in Paliament Square with a plaque with the name and ‘or everyone’ inscribed below.
Tomorrow night, Tuesday I am very excited to be performing at the #Klinker club, details at http://www.klinkerclub.com Hugh Metcalf gave me one of my very first gigs there back in 2002. It’s a gem of a club. My uncle Peter would like it but he is like a fine red wine and doesn’t travel well.
All I have to show are old bananas and a not so chilled Liz Bentley waiting in for new bank cards and a call from the computer hospital .
Fraud line (via met police) were kind and gave out some good advice, a bit on the cbt side ie “go to the doctors and get something to help you sleep” subtext ,’ I don’t know how to stop you crying’ and, “an old disabled woman I spoke with yesterday had £54,000 stolen” subtext ‘think yourself lucky, there are people far worse off than you’ , but in that moment I linked myself to that old disabled woman, it’s the violation and abuse that sits uncomfortably , and now I’ve cried I’m angry for the loss of time and faith.
(warning – I was scammed by a bogus antivirus company who were mimmicking AVG (and an AVG technical 0800 support number) I had been using and trusting for years . Computer is having a serious expensive 4 hour operation …)
While I wait for no Tesco Delivery man I find myself analysing why my technical life is such a mess and yet the rest of my life is fairly ordered, I’m wondering whether it is linked partly to the hidden trauma of being born with a hole in my heart , then diagnosis of ms soon after it closed … I dreamt I was a baby again on one of those old X-ray machines (they’ve got 2 in the Wellcome museum ) being stretched like that 1950’s children’s character ‘Twizzle’ my father read us at bedtime . He scared me too. There’s one on eBay for £99 , Twizzle book not my deceased father of course.
This incident wasn’t my fault , I was set up and rang a bogus number. but I have learned I need to take more care of machines , nurture them , and get them a well man check regularly .
My computer is a man
It’s very yan
Just like the Tesco delivery man
There’s still only been one woman
I wish I could do my hair on my own, it only ever looks good when someone else blow drys it, this was an attempt to see if I could use curlers, they were put in shit and the result was shit.
We can’t have good days everyday. 30 years ago when I was struggling with MS to get onto an escalator a friend said:
“If you have one good day for every bad then life is good” I worked out that’s 50% of the time and decided right then and there I could manage being happy for that percentage.
It was National Poetry Day today and I was caught out because I thought it was in October, so I was caught out twice today, curlers and poetry.
I’m Happy, I’m Happy, I’m Happy, I’m not Happy anymore