#JadeGoody #Loneliness #BigBrother #Psychotherapy

I have a special affinity with Jade. Firstly she was my nurse at Surrey Docks Dental surgery before she went on Big Brother, secondly I auditioned that same year for the series.

In the first part of the Channel 4 Jade documentary they showed her original VHS audition tape, among a few others. I watched in fear that mine would be shown. It was a bizarre VHS I sent in but possibly the producers saw, although I was clearly a wounded healer, I wasn’t as troubled as Jade and wouldn’t provide the same entertainment, but who knows? I’m likely to have sunbathed naked back then.

Jade was much younger than me and no way would the producers have wanted two girls coming from Bermondsey (I’m an Essex girl of course but lived and worked in Bermondsey for nearly two decades ). I got off lightly and so did my family. Jade sadly not.

I have been obsessed with all the Big Brother series, as is my fascination with all groups, my step daughter now has me hooked on Love Island, oh dear. The nearest I ever got to be on Big Brother is studying and being in group Psychotherapy for two years, and then facilitating writing as therapy, supervision and counsellors groups. Groups can be fierce, even in therapy.

Coming back to loneliness, firstly Perverse Verse on 26th September is on the ‘loneliness’ issue (invite coming soon) and secondly, my very loved group psychotherapist, having helped so many of us for decades with our internal loneliness, took his life. I’d assumed he’d died of a heart attack or something similar and found out of his suicide at his funeral.

The last time I saw my group therapist was 2017 at the show I did at The Guild of Psychotherapists, he laughed and laughed and we enjoyed a glass of red wine after the show. Watching the Jade documentary made me think of him.

Very very sad.

#Brexit and an #InnerChild #GreatBritishBakeOff

My parents had been arguing constantly, I was an observer of daily passive aggression. One day while we were watching ‘The Great British Bake Off’ they asked me and my older twin brothers whether we thought they should separate. I said “no way” and imagined our family as the ingredients of a big cake, wondering how my parents (the eggs) would extract themselves from the mix, whilst still delivering something remotely palatable. My brothers however had been fighting and were distracted with twin competitiveness, they said “Yes, divorce, we’re sick of you.”
During the 2 year divorce proceedings my parents went to mediation and various solicitors. They began to realise the effect it would have on us – we wouldn’t get to see dad , we may have to move, and we would all be financially worse off.
During those two years we were stressed, anxious and my dad lost his job. I was diagnosed with ADHD, my brother got sick and my other brother started smoking skunk.
Then my parents began holding hands again and said :
“We’ve decided we don’t want to divorce after all,” they looked at each other and said “the grass was greener..” They laughed and kissed.
One of my brothers had gone to uni so was absent to react , the other said “ You’re disgusting, you made a promise, and now you’ve broken it” and I said
“You are irresponsible. You gave us a choice that you hadn’t thought about. Bad parenting you fuckers , I wish I could disown you.”

Happy Pickled Walnuts time of the year

Tesco no longer sell pickled walnuts. I’d been aware of this for a while in the Tesco delivery run ups to Xmas.  I seriously thought I would do without this year and then I began to realise how important they are for me.

Xmas eve and my husband, once discovering what was the matter, went on a mission and found some in Sainsbury’s.  Now Xmas can begin, disliking it just that little bit less now I have a walnut.   I eat one, then I’m bored and like to have one in a few months time.   I enjoy watching them in the fridge, every week or two I pick  up the jar to change shelves and bounce them around in the jar.

#Grandad #WW1 #roll-ups and a #bullet

My First Cigarette

The Great War for Civilization
A bullet ricochets off the tobacco tin covering his heart, into his shoulder
Saves his life – cliché but true
I am 9 years old and the corner shop won’t sell me fags and the machines are empty of 10 soverign filter, no 6 and Piccadilly with the sixpence cello taped on the packet
I take out one of the pre rolled cigarettes from the 1914 Ligget and Myers tobacco tin
Parched, it burns up quickly
A bit falls off and leaves a hole in my brownie uniform
Jenny Morris comes round for tea and we smoke one together
Kevin Bottomley from next door has another

Forty years later there are 6 pre rolled cigarettes left in the Liggett and Myers tobacco tin
I am not giving this to the Imperial War museum as suggested. It is useful for my anxiety to know that they are there if I need one.

#Nunhead Art Trail this weekend

I’m very pleased to be displaying a display and performing in a random manor this weekend at the amazing artist Gill Day’s house which will be full of art, fun and performance.

Expect personal poems, songs and premonitions ….. Saturday and Sunday 12-6pm, 224 Ivydale Road SE15 3BU