I was out when Tesco Delivery came and home schooling ends

Front cover the DVD of Eraserhead, a white man with wild eyes and very tall hair
DVD Eraserhead

I was out when Tesco came last, my husband received the Delivery Man and put the shopping away. He did it really well, I could find everything and there wasn’t any wierd food in wierd places.  I found carrots in the freezer recently. We are all very busy and very stressed and anxious at times and do wierd things. I can’t find my glasses when they are on my head and I put my door keys in the fridge. I often get to the top of the stairs and wonder what I’m doing there. This is all normal.

Last night we watched my all-time favourite film, David Lynch’s ‘Eraserhead’.  I hadn’t watched it for a long time but had bought the DVD at some point when I knew I would want to watch it again.  We sat down with our 3 girls and put the blinds down. By the end of the film, only our 16-year-old remained on the sofa.  “That was the wierdest film ever” she said. In the morning one of our 14-year-olds asked me what had happened in the end.

I watched Eraserhead for the first time when I was about 17. It put me off quails for life. I cannot describe the film, you have to watch it. When I first got pregnant I had nightmares that I would have an Eraserhead baby, my unconscious deciding that I could only produce a monster.  When I was diagnosed with MS everyone wrote me off in the ‘having kids’ department. My Dad told me that he knew a woman with MS and she was happy with no kids, or a husband.

20 years ago, just before my first pregnancy, I began writing a novel called FERTILE. I sent it to about six agents. One agent asked to see the full book, I finished it quickly and sent it back to her. Her comments were:

“It is too personal and has too many descriptions of bodily functions for my taste.”

I took one of the chapters of FERTILE to an open mic spoken word poetry night, people laughed. That’s how my sit-down comedy began.

I have returned to FERTILE to re-edit the book, after 20 years. It is a book that has been under the bed, waiting for the right time to come out. Now, we can be more personal and bodily functions are all the rage, even though we have to wear masks to keep some of the more infected ones at bay.

I have written a letter to agents, after my next edit over the summer when I take time out from work, I shall send out to about 666, and collect the rejection letters. I kind of get a kick out of being rejected, that is the masochist in me. I know my writing is good enough, so it doesn’t matter, it is all subject to taste. If my favourite film is Eraserhead, it is befitting that my writing could be the weirdest you’ve ever read.

Hooray, homeschooling is nearly over and my carpenter husband is back working in his workshop and has just come home.

 

Today I got my spirit level

With my sliding bevel

I screwed in with the impact driver

Today the random orbital sander

Came in handier

Than the scraper

And the stud detector wasn’t sure

Whether to use the circular or the Japanese saw

 

My cordless drill, will with the offset chuck

And the moisture meter will tell me

If you are ready to fuck

Tonight

 

Whether you wear the PVA or the PU glue

With my forstner bit I will screw driver you

We can have a bit of fun

With the pincers, moll grips and the

No nonsense foam applicator gun

 

And if the sash or G-clamp gets too much

I’ll use the Vernier gauge and edge with the edge

bander

1\4 inch or 1/2 inch router

And belt sander

 

Now it’s time for a biscuit

Joiner and count my chisels

 

Tomorrow I’ll get onto the woodturning lathe

And mortisser (which is not set up yet)

And have a go with the bastard file

Though this is crossing a line

And verging on metal work

 

It’s time for bed

With my long nose plyers

Quick check in the mirror

At the pillar, drill

And reciprocating saw

And laminate trimmer

 

P.S. When I saw Eraserhead, first time, I remember my boyfriend’s Mum (at the time), sat on the sofa, trying to get off with one of his mates…

 

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